NICK CLEGG: “WELL, SHIT”

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has responded to his party’s poor performance in Thursday’s local elections.

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The Liberal Democrats lost 307 seats throughout the country, leaving the party with the lowest share of the national vote at 13% – behind UKIP’s 17% and well behind Labour’s 31%.

This is bad news for Nick Clegg, who soiled the name of “liberal democracy” when he entered into a coalition with David Cameron in 2010. Since then, he has been desperately trying to carve a name for his party as the second-most powerful political organisation in the country: these miserable results, however, show just the opposite.

Despite being Deputy Prime Minister and supposedly the second-most powerful man in Britain, Clegg has shown throughout all his years in office to have no control over policy in the UK. He has broken countless promises, including the only thing that encouraged young people to vote Lib Dem: that he would vote against raising tuition fees (see video here). He’s been humiliated by in-party squabbling, and even his token power play of getting a referendum on proportional representation was a damp squib.

His reaction to this further humiliation has been somewhat restrained, then, given his history in government. The Oracle spoke to Mr Clegg earlier today and asked him what his opinion of the results were:

“Shit, frankly. Complete and utter balls. I can’t believe that we’ve gone from being the second-least powerful party to the least powerful party. It’s a long way to fall from the top, sure; but in some ways, it’s even longer from just above the bottom.

I really thought that I could fuck the young voters and get away with it by simply apologising, but it seems I was wrong. Maybe I should try apologising through interpretive dance next time? Would that make them take me seriously? I’ll ask Dave if he’ll let me.

In many ways, I’m disappointed in my party for under-performing to the the extent that we basically don’t have a party anymore – but then, you can’t blame it all on the Lib Dems. We’re taking a kicking for the mistakes made by the government, and that’s unfair. Yes, I know we are the government, but it’s still unfair that we get justifiably low electoral results. What happened to corruption? I’ll ask Dave if he can bring it back.

No, I don’t plan to resign. I’m not a coward. And also, this could very easily be the last job I have. Would you employ someone who has been consistently proven to be a compulsive liar? Would you employ someone who has literally taken money from starving families? The only place that’d take me is the Conservative Party. I’ll ask Dave.”

GOVE: CAPITAL PUNISHMENT FOR SCHOOLS IS “UNDERUSED”

In the latest of a long line of increasingly right-wing policies, Minster for Education Michael Gove has called for capital punishment to be “reintroduced” into schools, claiming it is “chronically underused”.

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Mr Gove has been at the forefront of British political news for the past week, denying allegations that he fired the Labour-leaning Chair of Ofsted, Baroness Morgan, in order to increase the number of Tories in top-spots. Known for his varying levels of competence and uncanny ability to hang onto a job no matter how unqualified he is for it, Gove has been trying to cover up his nepotistic tendencies by introducing wild new policies that have been lying in the bottom of a filing cabinet since 1955.

Such new policies include: make state schools more like private schools, enforce annual exams for every child over the age of 24 months, teach only the WASP view on history, and for schools to not be afraid to use old-fashioned punishments like “lines” and litter-picking.

However, things reached a head when Gove announced today that he intends to allow teachers to enforce capital punishment on misbehaving pupils: i.e., teachers may now send naughty children to the electric chair and/or gallows.

“I firmly believe that the key to teaching is fear” said Gove earlier at a press conference, “crippling, bone-chilling fear. And what is more feared than death – aside from, of course, mixing up one’s evening and morning suits? Therefore, from September 2014, teachers will be allowed to exercise capital punishment for any misdemeanour: from forgetting homework to skipping P.E., no crime will go unpunished.”

Mr Gove, who has been warned about “believing his own hype”, then left the stage on a sedan chair, followed by a crowd of cheerleaders throwing roses and Oxbridge diplomas into the air while “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” played over the tannoy system. 

DAVID CAMERON URGES FRACKING OPPONENTS TO “GET ON BOARD” AS HE TUCKS WADS OF NOTES INTO HIS BACK POCKET

The Prime Minister was heard today advising any who oppose fracking – namely, anyone who cares about saving the planet and isn’t so spineless as to waver when gas companies start shoving fistfuls of dollars in their face –  to “get on board” the pro-fracking side of life.

 

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“Come to our side, you hippies,” the Prime Minister said, beckoning to campaigners with £5 notes, “life’s so much more fun when you stop caring about the future.”

“Screw the children’s lives, we can always buy more planets” he shouted from atop his Golden Throne of Hypocrisy, “Do stop exercising your democratic right to protest and come to the fun side of the party.”

The Prime Minister, who has been present at countless meetings dedicated to saving the environment, is now in full support of drilling huge holes into the Earth and extracting noxious gas from its depths. Psychiatrists are baffled at this sudden change of heart, though it is to be noted that Cameron has ordered his tailor to stitch bigger pockets onto his trousers: “for the… children’s charity money”, he said, looking from side to side shiftily.

Cameron also announced the beginning of the “shale your soul to the devil” campaign, in which councils that support ripping holes in the ground beneath their feet will be given a large sum of money that is in no way a bribe at all.

Critics of the project – those that are left, anyway – have suggested that perhaps Mr Cameron’s eagerness to start fracking is borne from his desire to dig down to Hell so he can shake hands with the Dark Lord and maybe stop for a cup of tea with Mrs Thatcher while he’s there.

“In conclusion” concluded Cameron, “stop being a bunch of prissy little hippies and let me ruin the environment. In return, I’ll give you back some of the money I’ve stolen from the disabled. Savvy?”

“AND A HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR” – GEORGE OSBORNE WARNS BRITAIN OF TOUGH TIMES AHEAD

The UK Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has unveiled plans to implement another £25bn worth of cuts over the next seven years, saying that 2014 will be “a year of hard truths”.

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Osborne said in a speech earlier today that he “had only just begun tackling the deficit”, as for the past four years he has been merely “fucking with people’s lives and culling socialists”.

The Chancellor revealed with a grin spreading slowly over his pox-ridden face that he expected to implement most of the cuts in benefits for the disabled, the poor, and single-parent families.

When met with accusations that he was deliberately targeting sectors of society that already suffer the most, he responded with the quip: “If single mothers want more money, they should just marry a rich man. I don’t understand what’s so complicated about that.”

“By the way,” he continued, “the position of Mrs Chancellor of the Exchequer is still open.”

Over the past four years, some critics have said that the Chancellor has been guilty of cutting disabled benefits to such an extent that he may as well be operating a system of euthanasia camps. “Indeed,” said Osborne, “it may well have to come to that if those paraplegics don’t start pulling their weight.”

“You can’t just sit around and expect everyone to pay for you to stay alive,” he continued while tucking into a feast of partridge, gold-encrusted almonds, and cranberry sauce laced with diamond, “Everyone has to pull their weight in these tough, tough times.”

It is expected that David Cameron will applaud the introduction of these cuts, and perhaps even create a legion of Stormtroopers that will actually invade people’s homes and forcefully take the money from their hands.

“Welcome to the year of the dragon, Britain” concluded the Chancellor as flames sprang up around his podium, “Things are about to get pretty fucked up.”

Osborne then joined the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for a week of fox-hunting.

THE ORACLE’S BEST ARTICLES: DEATH PENALTY REINTRODUCED FOR PEOPLE WHO LEAVE TEABAGS IN THE SINK

As part of the countdown to 2014, The Oracle has decided to look back at some of our favourite articles over the past year. Granted, we’ve only been going since September, but we’ve got 200 articles to choose from.

Today’s article was written at the time of the Conservative Party Conference earlier this year, and dealt with the growing social evil of teabags being left in the sink

 

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In his closing speech at the Conservative party conference, David Cameron announced plans to reintroduce the death penalty for people who leave teabags in the sink after making a cup of tea.

The news was met with rapturous applause from the assembled Conservative party members, many of whom have been campaigning for such a law for years.

“This is not just a victory for tea drinkers” professed Miss Judith Argyll, Tory member, “but a victory for all who oppose slobbishness and wayward habits in the kitchen.”

When the news broke, politicians from across the political spectrum flocked to Twitter to express their almost unanimous agreement with the proposal.

“About bloody time” tweeted John Prescott

“This is an issue that we can all get behind” wrote Ed Milliband

“I thorual ybeluv ne this r9bje” penned David Blunkett.

The death penalty was repealed in 1965, but now seems “dead” set on making a comeback.

BREAKING NEWS: DAVID CAMERON REQUIRES SURGERY TO REMOVE HIS LIPS FROM CHINA’S ASS

The Prime Minister has apparently been “kissing China’s ass” so fervently, he now needs to be surgically extricated. 

The news comes after Cameron’s recent visit to China, in which he proposed at least 8 billion new trade agreements in an attempt to win Chinese investment in new British businesses.

While there, he also took a tour of famous Chinese landmarks, explored ancient Chinese artifacts, and apologised for Boris Johnson.

The main message that Cameron left behind for China, however, was one of servile kow-towing to a corrupt and materialistic regime in the vain hope that it will supplement his tattered government with much needed trade and kudos.

So fervent was Cameron’s worship of the Chinese Yuan that his lips became welded to its ass, and now need to be removed in a surgical procedure that is expected to be long and painful.

No world governments seem particularly bothered about Cameron’s imminent surgery, though multiple governments have expressed annoyance that Cameron has not apologised for Boris Johnson to their countries.

It is expected that when he makes a recovery, Cameron will do a world tour and apologise for Boris Johnson in over 150 countries.

AS PHONE HACKING TRIAL REACHES SECOND DAY OF HIATUS, SATIRICAL NEWSPAPERS SUFFER SHORTAGE OF MATERIAL

Many satirists having to resort to “Plebgate” due to sudden dearth of material.

As the trial of Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson (and other people who don’t really matter) enters its second day of hiatus, fake newspapers worldwide are having to search for alternative stories to fill their pages.

“It’s really quite awful” says The Daily Mash’s correspondent, Helen Hunt, “We’ve been forced to make redundancies that we never wanted to make. If this crisis continues for much longer, we might have to close down.”

And Now The News issued a statement lamenting the lack of stories about phone-hacking, saying that “it was a dark, dark time for satirists everywhere. Our thoughts are with their families.”

Mr Justice Saunders, the judge presiding over the case, has issued an apology for allowing court to be adjourned over the weekend.

“It was a selfish act, and I did not think of the international ripples it would create. I should have locked the courtroom doors and forced the lawyers to work around the clock, uncovering fresh new scandals with every waking moment.”

The Oracle regrets to inform its readers that until the trial is back on track, we may have to resort to publishing rehashed stories about plebgate and bitter opinion pieces about the Conservative Party.