NICK CLEGG: “WELL, SHIT”

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has responded to his party’s poor performance in Thursday’s local elections.

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The Liberal Democrats lost 307 seats throughout the country, leaving the party with the lowest share of the national vote at 13% – behind UKIP’s 17% and well behind Labour’s 31%.

This is bad news for Nick Clegg, who soiled the name of “liberal democracy” when he entered into a coalition with David Cameron in 2010. Since then, he has been desperately trying to carve a name for his party as the second-most powerful political organisation in the country: these miserable results, however, show just the opposite.

Despite being Deputy Prime Minister and supposedly the second-most powerful man in Britain, Clegg has shown throughout all his years in office to have no control over policy in the UK. He has broken countless promises, including the only thing that encouraged young people to vote Lib Dem: that he would vote against raising tuition fees (see video here). He’s been humiliated by in-party squabbling, and even his token power play of getting a referendum on proportional representation was a damp squib.

His reaction to this further humiliation has been somewhat restrained, then, given his history in government. The Oracle spoke to Mr Clegg earlier today and asked him what his opinion of the results were:

“Shit, frankly. Complete and utter balls. I can’t believe that we’ve gone from being the second-least powerful party to the least powerful party. It’s a long way to fall from the top, sure; but in some ways, it’s even longer from just above the bottom.

I really thought that I could fuck the young voters and get away with it by simply apologising, but it seems I was wrong. Maybe I should try apologising through interpretive dance next time? Would that make them take me seriously? I’ll ask Dave if he’ll let me.

In many ways, I’m disappointed in my party for under-performing to the the extent that we basically don’t have a party anymore – but then, you can’t blame it all on the Lib Dems. We’re taking a kicking for the mistakes made by the government, and that’s unfair. Yes, I know we are the government, but it’s still unfair that we get justifiably low electoral results. What happened to corruption? I’ll ask Dave if he can bring it back.

No, I don’t plan to resign. I’m not a coward. And also, this could very easily be the last job I have. Would you employ someone who has been consistently proven to be a compulsive liar? Would you employ someone who has literally taken money from starving families? The only place that’d take me is the Conservative Party. I’ll ask Dave.”

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BOKO HARAM SAYS: “OH, OKAY THEN”

Boko Haram has agreed to concede defeat after Twitter campaign #BringBackOurGirls is endorsed by celebrities worldwide.

 

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Boko Haram, a fundamentalist Islam terror group who has plagued Nigeria with bombings and violence for years, was recently at the centre of a mass kidnapping of over 200 schoolgirls a month ago.

Since then, public support for international intervention has risen to a fever pitch, reaching levels of hashtagging unseen since the #Kony2012 campaign. The hashtag #BringBackOurGirls has been trending for over a week, and many high-ranking celebrities have joined the call for someone, anywhere, to do something remotely effective.

Such high-ranking supporters include Leona Lewis, Alexa Chung, Amy Poehler, and Cara Delevingne.

Presidential hopeful Hilary Clinton, First Lady Michelle Obama, and Prime Minister David Cameron have also joined the call for people in power to do something effective, with Cameron allegedly saying that “I might send Nick in with a gun, who knows.”

Such support has evidently hit the Boko Haram group hard, as today the leader Abubakar Shekau tweeted “Oh, okay then”, and proceeded to reveal the coordinates of his secret hideout.

“Thought I could withstand #bringbackourgirls, but seeing @LeonaLewis tweet it has hit me hard. You can have them” he later added.

It would seem that legions of people tweeting about a problem has solved it, instead of just filling up people’s Twitter feeds with half-hearted holier-than-thou hashtagging. Who would have thought it?

“I was afraid that PM David Cameron might do something effective,” continued Shekau in a later tweet, “but seeing him hold up a sign has struck fear more deeply than any military action.”

“We would not want to make Mr Cameron have to hold up more signs. That would be too much for us to bear.”

EVERYONE NOW EQUAL TO TRAP THEMSELVES IN A LOVELESS PARTNERSHIP THAT WILL HAUNT THEM UNTIL THEY ARE GRANTED THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

Same-sex marriage was legalised in England and Wales at midnight last night, finally allowing millions of people to legally experience the slow death of their love over a period of wasted years.

 

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At the stroke of midnight, gay couples throughout England and Wales toasted the dawn of a new era; an age in which all people, no matter their sexuality, could legally marry.

The law, which was passed in Parliament last year, came into effect last night, much to the joy of couples such as Peter McGraith and David Cabreza, John Coffey and Bernardo Marti, and Andrew Wale and Neil Allard – all of whom married their respective partners as soon as they were lawfully able.

It heralds a new time of equality for same-sex couples, and has been much lauded by politicians from all the major parties: David Cameron tweeted his congratulations to couples, Ed Milliband said “it’s an incredibly proud time for our country”, and Nick Clegg tried to foolishly assert himself as a politician by thanking “the coalition government”, whatever that is.

Throughout England and Wales, gay men and women are now free to enter into a binding legal contract which will see them forced to spend the rest of their lives regretting the 29th March 2014. They will share the same rights as straight couples: the right to watch your marriage wither and die; the right to lose all belief in human kindness; the right to live in an uneasy partnership until you welcome death like a fresh lover; and most importantly, the right to curse the name of “love” and succumb to the dark embrace of unconditional hate.

“This is a really great time for everyone,” said Human Rights Campaigner Peter Tatchell, “Loving couples of all sexualities will now be free to dig black pits for their adoration and bury it deep in the salty earth, allowing tangled weeds of regret to blossom over its grave.”

“I’ve been fighting for this moment for all my adult life, and now I can sleep easy knowing that everyone will be as miserable as everyone else.”

The Oracle offers its congratulations and sympathies to all those getting married this weekend.

CAMERON SINGS HEARTFELT RENDITION OF “STAY WITH ME, BABY” TO PERSUADE SCOTLAND TO STAY IN THE UNION

Prime Minister David Cameron today surprised all when he delivered a heartfelt rendition of 1966 classic “Stay With Me (Baby)” at the Olympic Park, in an impassioned plea to Scottish voters.

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Cameron had gathered reporters at the Olympic Park in East London to deliver a speech on the theme that the UK “wants Scotland to stay in the union”, hoping that the Olympic spirit of togetherness would infect voters with union-fever.

However, the Prime Minister shocked crowds when, instead of delivering a planned speech written for him by a dedicated team of spin doctors, he burst into a rendition of Lorraine Ellison’s 1966 hit, “Stay With Me (Baby)”.

Throwing off his suit and grabbing the microphone in front of him with both hands, Cameron sang in an impressive falsetto for 3 minutes, at which point he was dragged off by “advisers”.

“Wasn’t I there? Didn’t I take good care of you?” asked the Prime Minister, ahead of voicing his disbelief that Scotland was leaving him.

“Stay with me, baby,” implored the Prime Minister. “Oh, stay with me baby.” Cameron then confessed that he “can’t go on.”

The PM then asked the very heavens why Scotland would want to leave him, coming to the brief conclusion that “maybe [he] was too good for you.” However, this conclusion was soon forgotten as he launched once more into an impassioned, imploring chorus.

Cameron went back and forth on the issue for the remainder of the song, until he was forcibly removed from the stage.

The prepared speech was then delivered by a team of puppeteers, who controlled a life-size model of the Prime Minister from above. It is expected that the ministerial marionette will deliver most of David Cameron’s speeches from now on. “Indeed,” says publicist Tim Howe, “the puppet has twice the charisma of the real Prime Minister.”

Analysts expect Alex Salmond, MSP, to respond with a song of his own choosing. Critics warn both leaders not to “descend into a rap battle”.

BREAKING NEWS: CAMERON AND HOLLANDE DIE IN TRAGIC GAME OF DARTS AT OXFORDSHIRE PUB

A state of emergency has been declared following a disastrous summit at an Oxfordshire pub, in which David Cameron and Francois Hollande were both struck down in a tragic game of darts.

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The UK Prime Minister and French President were engaging in an informal summit at an Oxfordshire pub when they broke for a game of darts. Given the unfortunate lack of athletic ability in both leaders, it was perhaps a game bound to end in tragedy of some sort; and end in tragedy it did.

Although reports are still sketchy, sources say that Hollande was taking a run up to the dartboard when he tripped over a barstool and landed, face down, in a pint of bitter. The dart he had been holding flew into the air and landed, with some force, on David Cameron’s head – penetrating the skull and entering the brain. Meanwhile, the French President drowned in a light and hoppy beer.

By the time the bodyguards of the leaders had returned from an ill-timed cigarette break, both Cameron and Hollande had passed away. Witnesses of the accident say that they did attempt to remove the dart from Cameron’s head before the bodyguards came back, but were “afraid the blood might spurt out and stain our shirts”. As for Hollande, they claim they “thought he was just really enjoying his drink”.

Rumours are already circulating about whether this affair will lead to a state of war between the two countries, or whether the darts game will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records for “most diplomatically disastrous game of darts in modern history”.

Tragically, when Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was informed of the accident, he promptly dropped dead of a heart attack at the prospect of having some real power for once.

DAVID CAMERON URGES FRACKING OPPONENTS TO “GET ON BOARD” AS HE TUCKS WADS OF NOTES INTO HIS BACK POCKET

The Prime Minister was heard today advising any who oppose fracking – namely, anyone who cares about saving the planet and isn’t so spineless as to waver when gas companies start shoving fistfuls of dollars in their face –  to “get on board” the pro-fracking side of life.

 

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“Come to our side, you hippies,” the Prime Minister said, beckoning to campaigners with £5 notes, “life’s so much more fun when you stop caring about the future.”

“Screw the children’s lives, we can always buy more planets” he shouted from atop his Golden Throne of Hypocrisy, “Do stop exercising your democratic right to protest and come to the fun side of the party.”

The Prime Minister, who has been present at countless meetings dedicated to saving the environment, is now in full support of drilling huge holes into the Earth and extracting noxious gas from its depths. Psychiatrists are baffled at this sudden change of heart, though it is to be noted that Cameron has ordered his tailor to stitch bigger pockets onto his trousers: “for the… children’s charity money”, he said, looking from side to side shiftily.

Cameron also announced the beginning of the “shale your soul to the devil” campaign, in which councils that support ripping holes in the ground beneath their feet will be given a large sum of money that is in no way a bribe at all.

Critics of the project – those that are left, anyway – have suggested that perhaps Mr Cameron’s eagerness to start fracking is borne from his desire to dig down to Hell so he can shake hands with the Dark Lord and maybe stop for a cup of tea with Mrs Thatcher while he’s there.

“In conclusion” concluded Cameron, “stop being a bunch of prissy little hippies and let me ruin the environment. In return, I’ll give you back some of the money I’ve stolen from the disabled. Savvy?”

“AND A HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR” – GEORGE OSBORNE WARNS BRITAIN OF TOUGH TIMES AHEAD

The UK Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has unveiled plans to implement another £25bn worth of cuts over the next seven years, saying that 2014 will be “a year of hard truths”.

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Osborne said in a speech earlier today that he “had only just begun tackling the deficit”, as for the past four years he has been merely “fucking with people’s lives and culling socialists”.

The Chancellor revealed with a grin spreading slowly over his pox-ridden face that he expected to implement most of the cuts in benefits for the disabled, the poor, and single-parent families.

When met with accusations that he was deliberately targeting sectors of society that already suffer the most, he responded with the quip: “If single mothers want more money, they should just marry a rich man. I don’t understand what’s so complicated about that.”

“By the way,” he continued, “the position of Mrs Chancellor of the Exchequer is still open.”

Over the past four years, some critics have said that the Chancellor has been guilty of cutting disabled benefits to such an extent that he may as well be operating a system of euthanasia camps. “Indeed,” said Osborne, “it may well have to come to that if those paraplegics don’t start pulling their weight.”

“You can’t just sit around and expect everyone to pay for you to stay alive,” he continued while tucking into a feast of partridge, gold-encrusted almonds, and cranberry sauce laced with diamond, “Everyone has to pull their weight in these tough, tough times.”

It is expected that David Cameron will applaud the introduction of these cuts, and perhaps even create a legion of Stormtroopers that will actually invade people’s homes and forcefully take the money from their hands.

“Welcome to the year of the dragon, Britain” concluded the Chancellor as flames sprang up around his podium, “Things are about to get pretty fucked up.”

Osborne then joined the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for a week of fox-hunting.