NICK CLEGG: “WELL, SHIT”

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has responded to his party’s poor performance in Thursday’s local elections.

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The Liberal Democrats lost 307 seats throughout the country, leaving the party with the lowest share of the national vote at 13% – behind UKIP’s 17% and well behind Labour’s 31%.

This is bad news for Nick Clegg, who soiled the name of “liberal democracy” when he entered into a coalition with David Cameron in 2010. Since then, he has been desperately trying to carve a name for his party as the second-most powerful political organisation in the country: these miserable results, however, show just the opposite.

Despite being Deputy Prime Minister and supposedly the second-most powerful man in Britain, Clegg has shown throughout all his years in office to have no control over policy in the UK. He has broken countless promises, including the only thing that encouraged young people to vote Lib Dem: that he would vote against raising tuition fees (see video here). He’s been humiliated by in-party squabbling, and even his token power play of getting a referendum on proportional representation was a damp squib.

His reaction to this further humiliation has been somewhat restrained, then, given his history in government. The Oracle spoke to Mr Clegg earlier today and asked him what his opinion of the results were:

“Shit, frankly. Complete and utter balls. I can’t believe that we’ve gone from being the second-least powerful party to the least powerful party. It’s a long way to fall from the top, sure; but in some ways, it’s even longer from just above the bottom.

I really thought that I could fuck the young voters and get away with it by simply apologising, but it seems I was wrong. Maybe I should try apologising through interpretive dance next time? Would that make them take me seriously? I’ll ask Dave if he’ll let me.

In many ways, I’m disappointed in my party for under-performing to the the extent that we basically don’t have a party anymore – but then, you can’t blame it all on the Lib Dems. We’re taking a kicking for the mistakes made by the government, and that’s unfair. Yes, I know we are the government, but it’s still unfair that we get justifiably low electoral results. What happened to corruption? I’ll ask Dave if he can bring it back.

No, I don’t plan to resign. I’m not a coward. And also, this could very easily be the last job I have. Would you employ someone who has been consistently proven to be a compulsive liar? Would you employ someone who has literally taken money from starving families? The only place that’d take me is the Conservative Party. I’ll ask Dave.”

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EVERYONE NOW EQUAL TO TRAP THEMSELVES IN A LOVELESS PARTNERSHIP THAT WILL HAUNT THEM UNTIL THEY ARE GRANTED THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

Same-sex marriage was legalised in England and Wales at midnight last night, finally allowing millions of people to legally experience the slow death of their love over a period of wasted years.

 

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At the stroke of midnight, gay couples throughout England and Wales toasted the dawn of a new era; an age in which all people, no matter their sexuality, could legally marry.

The law, which was passed in Parliament last year, came into effect last night, much to the joy of couples such as Peter McGraith and David Cabreza, John Coffey and Bernardo Marti, and Andrew Wale and Neil Allard – all of whom married their respective partners as soon as they were lawfully able.

It heralds a new time of equality for same-sex couples, and has been much lauded by politicians from all the major parties: David Cameron tweeted his congratulations to couples, Ed Milliband said “it’s an incredibly proud time for our country”, and Nick Clegg tried to foolishly assert himself as a politician by thanking “the coalition government”, whatever that is.

Throughout England and Wales, gay men and women are now free to enter into a binding legal contract which will see them forced to spend the rest of their lives regretting the 29th March 2014. They will share the same rights as straight couples: the right to watch your marriage wither and die; the right to lose all belief in human kindness; the right to live in an uneasy partnership until you welcome death like a fresh lover; and most importantly, the right to curse the name of “love” and succumb to the dark embrace of unconditional hate.

“This is a really great time for everyone,” said Human Rights Campaigner Peter Tatchell, “Loving couples of all sexualities will now be free to dig black pits for their adoration and bury it deep in the salty earth, allowing tangled weeds of regret to blossom over its grave.”

“I’ve been fighting for this moment for all my adult life, and now I can sleep easy knowing that everyone will be as miserable as everyone else.”

The Oracle offers its congratulations and sympathies to all those getting married this weekend.

NICK CLEGG CHALLENGES LORD RENNARD TO RAP BATTLE

The leader of the Liberal Democrats, Nick Clegg, has challenged Lord Chris Rennard to a rap battle to decide “which mutha steps down”.

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Lord Rennard, Lib Dem peer since 1999, has recently been at the heart of a sexual misconduct scandal that forced him to resign as Chief Whip last year.

Claims that he sexually assaulted women drove Rennard to leave his high-ranking position, and have plagued him since. However, Lord Rennard refuses to admit any such sexual advances, and despite Nick Clegg’s demands for an apology, refuses to say sorry on the legal grounds that “to apologise would be an admission of guilt”.

The Deputy Prime Minister today released a statement that “Rennard has pushed me and the party too far: as far as I’m concerned, there is only one way to settle this debate. I’m afraid I must challenge Lord Rennard to a bitchin’ rap battle.”

Such a challenge is not unheard of in Westminster, with rap battles traditionally taking place between vying Prime Minister hopefuls; however, this is the first time that a rap battle will take place between two members of the same political party.

Mr Clegg has requested that the rap battle take place in the House of Commons rather than the House of Lords. It is no secret that the Deputy Prime Minister is uneasy in the Lords, but it is unclear how much of an advantage the home turf will offer him as Lord Rennard can allegedly “rip up sick beats on any ground, any time”.

While Lord Rennard is yet to release a reply to Mr Clegg’s challenge, sources close to the peer have revealed he is already hard at work thinking of words to rhyme with “Nick”.

AUTUMN STATEMENT REVEALED: NICK CLEGG SOLD TO RAISE FUNDS

In his unveiling of the Autumn Statement this morning, Chancellor George Osborne let slip that the Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, would be sold to raise funds for the government.

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“Although the economy is on the up” said the Chancellor in the House of Commons today, “it is important that we continue to rebuild the economy. This time, we will fix the roof while the sun is shining. To that end, we have decided to do a variety of things: cut budgets across government sectors, raise the State Pension Age, sell Nick Clegg to a Taiwanese slave holding…”

Clegg was later seen to be desperately trying to catch Prime Minister David Cameron’s eye, but Cameron seemed oblivious to Clegg’s frantic waving, even going so far as to turn fully away from his deputy and engaging in conversation with Home Secretary Theresa May.

At the end of the Autumn Statement, Clegg tried to speak to George Osborne about his remarks. However, Osborne simply talked to Michael Gove over Clegg’s head, despite the latter jumping up and down in an attempt to get the Chancellor’s attention.

It is expected that Nick Clegg will disappear by this time next week and will fetch up to £1bn on the black market.

UK GOVERNMENT DECIDES TO PACKAGE CIGARETTES IN ACTUAL “CANCER-RIDDEN ORGANS”

Following the announcement yesterday that the government was launching a review into the packaging of cigarettes, a report has been published concluding that cigarettes will now be packaged in actual “cancer-ridden organs” fresh from the bodies of victims of smoking-related diseases.

 

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Deciding to go one step further than the Australians, who pack their cigarettes in standardized packages with graphic images of the physical effects of smoking, David Cameron has given the go-ahead to plans to pack cigarettes in the tar-damaged hearts and lungs of dead smokers.

“After deliberating long and hard on the issue” said the leader of the review into cigarette packaging, Sir Cyril Chantler this morning, “we have decided that Public Health is indeed our main concern in this issue. Therefore, we have concluded that the best way to scare people off buying cigarettes is to pack them into actual smoke-destroyed vital organs.”

The measure has been widely commended across the political spectrum for its “practicality, ingenuity, and creativity”, with Nick Clegg saying that he was “proud to see such a measure take hold”.

The announcement was however met with opposition from tobacco companies, who resent the fact that they will no longer be able to advertise their brand on packages.

“It’s horrendous, really,” said Dylan Maguire, CEO of Marlboro Cigarettes, “that we will not be able to advertise our own particular brand of slow, painful death on cartons any more. I am currently heading a lobby party to try and force the government to allow us to advertise -if not on the packets – then at least on the cancer-torn organs themselves.”

It is expected that the cigarettes will be published in different organs relative to the size of the former packets: for example, a large pack of cigarettes will now be contained in a pair of tar-rotten lungs, while the smaller packets will be held in rotting tracheae, or windpipes.

NICK CLEGG TO GIVE UP POLITICS, BECOME FULL-TIME RADIO DJ

Clegg, some-time Deputy Prime Minister, has revealed he’s giving up the cellar in 10 Downing Street for the cellar at Capital FM Headquarters.

“This is a decision that I’ve been contemplating for some time” said the leader of the Lib Dems, speaking from the barred window in his underground lair, “but I’m sure that I’ve made the right choice. I’ve loved my time on LBC Radio, but I’ve got to spread my wings and make my own way now.”

When asked about his role in the coalition, he responded: “The what? Oh, yes, that. Well we all knew that was just a side project while I pursued my real dream of being a drive-time DJ.”

“I start next week!” he beamed, sticking his thumbs up through the bars before George Osborne hit him with a stick.

It is rumoured that Clegg’s show will be a mix of easy-listening soft jazz and glam rock, with a weekly segment entitled “Name that Diva.” The show will also comprise quizzes, requests, and readings from Clegg’s personal collection of erotic literature.

David Cameron is said to be “relieved” that Clegg is moving onto radio. People with radios, however, are said to be “dismayed”. Clegg’s wife, Miriam, is said to be “unsatisfied – generally.”

BREAKING NEWS: NICK CLEGG STILL EXISTS

The UK was shocked today to learn that Nick Clegg, who we vaguely remember from 2010, actually still exists and occupies some form of parliamentary position.

Clegg, who leads the Liberal Democrats and is apparently Deputy Prime Minister (is that even a thing? check it out – Ed.) made his claim to existence last night with the words “I am still here, you know.”

Speaking in the House of Commons when George Osborne almost sat on his lap, Clegg went on to say that Osborne had actually sat on him each time he’d visited the House, but Clegg had been too polite to say something.

David Cameron awoke from a gin-hazed nap long enough to mumble “Still trying, Nick?” before slumping back asleep on the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s shoulder.

Sources report that Nick Clegg dazzled the public with his showmanship in the 2010 General Election, and that he appeared briefly to let down the nation’s students over the Tuition Fee hike, but has since then been largely “incompetent, insufferable, and invisible.”

The existence of his own political party has been thrown into question of late too, with many simply referring to the Lib Dems as “Cameron’s whipping-boys.”