OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE FINALLY GET A FUCKING BREAK

Millions of overweight people attempted a high-five of stomach flab today as news came that obesity is linked to a reduced likelihood of developing dementia.

Researchers welcomed the “surprising” results, celebrating “the overdue arrival of a reason not to be thin”.

“This is excellent news”, said lead researcher Dr Nawab Qizilbash, “We have finally been granted a reason to actively pursue a life of obesity. We can expect news of Gwyneth Paltrow’s implosion any day now”.

The study shows that overweight people are 18% less likely to develop dementia than underweight people – a group Dr Qizilbash suggests “seriously reconsider their lifestyle”.

“Not only do these underweight people spend their entire lives avoiding anything fun like eating thirteen entire Co-op Victoria Sponges in one lunch break, but now they won’t even be able to remember their self-righteousness as they age”, quoth the good doctor.

“They will be unable to bore their grandchildren with stories of celery and cardio, and will be left with a useless stick of a body with nothing inside. Not cake, not memories, not anything.”

However, doubts have already been cast on the research group following Mr Eric Pickles apparent loss of cognitive ability in an interview with Justin Webb on Friday morning. Mr Pickles, a walking clogged artery, seemed to have lost all grasp of his party’s policies, the nature of interviewing, and the basics of the English language as he struggled with questions regarding the Tory’s new ‘forced volunteer roaming death squads’ initiative.

“Perhaps obesity is not a magic fix for cognitive issues after all”, admitted Dr Qizilbash, “we’ll keep looking. In the meantime, I would still recommend eating copious quantities of cake. It feels good, and you might well be secretly curing yourself of testicular cancer. Who knows?”

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NICK CLEGG: “WELL, SHIT”

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has responded to his party’s poor performance in Thursday’s local elections.

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The Liberal Democrats lost 307 seats throughout the country, leaving the party with the lowest share of the national vote at 13% – behind UKIP’s 17% and well behind Labour’s 31%.

This is bad news for Nick Clegg, who soiled the name of “liberal democracy” when he entered into a coalition with David Cameron in 2010. Since then, he has been desperately trying to carve a name for his party as the second-most powerful political organisation in the country: these miserable results, however, show just the opposite.

Despite being Deputy Prime Minister and supposedly the second-most powerful man in Britain, Clegg has shown throughout all his years in office to have no control over policy in the UK. He has broken countless promises, including the only thing that encouraged young people to vote Lib Dem: that he would vote against raising tuition fees (see video here). He’s been humiliated by in-party squabbling, and even his token power play of getting a referendum on proportional representation was a damp squib.

His reaction to this further humiliation has been somewhat restrained, then, given his history in government. The Oracle spoke to Mr Clegg earlier today and asked him what his opinion of the results were:

“Shit, frankly. Complete and utter balls. I can’t believe that we’ve gone from being the second-least powerful party to the least powerful party. It’s a long way to fall from the top, sure; but in some ways, it’s even longer from just above the bottom.

I really thought that I could fuck the young voters and get away with it by simply apologising, but it seems I was wrong. Maybe I should try apologising through interpretive dance next time? Would that make them take me seriously? I’ll ask Dave if he’ll let me.

In many ways, I’m disappointed in my party for under-performing to the the extent that we basically don’t have a party anymore – but then, you can’t blame it all on the Lib Dems. We’re taking a kicking for the mistakes made by the government, and that’s unfair. Yes, I know we are the government, but it’s still unfair that we get justifiably low electoral results. What happened to corruption? I’ll ask Dave if he can bring it back.

No, I don’t plan to resign. I’m not a coward. And also, this could very easily be the last job I have. Would you employ someone who has been consistently proven to be a compulsive liar? Would you employ someone who has literally taken money from starving families? The only place that’d take me is the Conservative Party. I’ll ask Dave.”

GOVE: CAPITAL PUNISHMENT FOR SCHOOLS IS “UNDERUSED”

In the latest of a long line of increasingly right-wing policies, Minster for Education Michael Gove has called for capital punishment to be “reintroduced” into schools, claiming it is “chronically underused”.

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Mr Gove has been at the forefront of British political news for the past week, denying allegations that he fired the Labour-leaning Chair of Ofsted, Baroness Morgan, in order to increase the number of Tories in top-spots. Known for his varying levels of competence and uncanny ability to hang onto a job no matter how unqualified he is for it, Gove has been trying to cover up his nepotistic tendencies by introducing wild new policies that have been lying in the bottom of a filing cabinet since 1955.

Such new policies include: make state schools more like private schools, enforce annual exams for every child over the age of 24 months, teach only the WASP view on history, and for schools to not be afraid to use old-fashioned punishments like “lines” and litter-picking.

However, things reached a head when Gove announced today that he intends to allow teachers to enforce capital punishment on misbehaving pupils: i.e., teachers may now send naughty children to the electric chair and/or gallows.

“I firmly believe that the key to teaching is fear” said Gove earlier at a press conference, “crippling, bone-chilling fear. And what is more feared than death – aside from, of course, mixing up one’s evening and morning suits? Therefore, from September 2014, teachers will be allowed to exercise capital punishment for any misdemeanour: from forgetting homework to skipping P.E., no crime will go unpunished.”

Mr Gove, who has been warned about “believing his own hype”, then left the stage on a sedan chair, followed by a crowd of cheerleaders throwing roses and Oxbridge diplomas into the air while “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” played over the tannoy system. 

BREAKING NEWS: CAMERON AND HOLLANDE DIE IN TRAGIC GAME OF DARTS AT OXFORDSHIRE PUB

A state of emergency has been declared following a disastrous summit at an Oxfordshire pub, in which David Cameron and Francois Hollande were both struck down in a tragic game of darts.

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The UK Prime Minister and French President were engaging in an informal summit at an Oxfordshire pub when they broke for a game of darts. Given the unfortunate lack of athletic ability in both leaders, it was perhaps a game bound to end in tragedy of some sort; and end in tragedy it did.

Although reports are still sketchy, sources say that Hollande was taking a run up to the dartboard when he tripped over a barstool and landed, face down, in a pint of bitter. The dart he had been holding flew into the air and landed, with some force, on David Cameron’s head – penetrating the skull and entering the brain. Meanwhile, the French President drowned in a light and hoppy beer.

By the time the bodyguards of the leaders had returned from an ill-timed cigarette break, both Cameron and Hollande had passed away. Witnesses of the accident say that they did attempt to remove the dart from Cameron’s head before the bodyguards came back, but were “afraid the blood might spurt out and stain our shirts”. As for Hollande, they claim they “thought he was just really enjoying his drink”.

Rumours are already circulating about whether this affair will lead to a state of war between the two countries, or whether the darts game will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records for “most diplomatically disastrous game of darts in modern history”.

Tragically, when Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was informed of the accident, he promptly dropped dead of a heart attack at the prospect of having some real power for once.

BREAKING NEWS: ALL SURVIVING MEMBERS OF MONTY PYTHON TO REFORM IN DEADLY ‘AXIS OF EVIL’ TERRORIST GROUP

Former comedians to band together in supreme terrorist organisation.
News broke this morning that the surviving members of the comedy group Monty Python – John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, and Michael Palin – are to pool their wealth and powers to form an international ‘axis of evil’: a terrorist group with the resources to declare war on any establishment and be sure of their success.

Jones released a statement on Twitter this morning explaining:

“The Brotherhood has been disbanded for too long. When next we meet, fire shall rain on the empires of the West. Hold fast, democracy, for your time has ended.”

This was later followed by an email to the Heads of State of 25 countries issuing demands, “lest the Flying Circus come to town”. The email also included an animated sketch – later identified as a Gilliam sketch – of a group of clowns with skull masks dancing around a burning effigy of David Cameron, Barack Obama, and Angela Merkel.

Michael Palin has revealed that his time spent abroad filming his travel documentaries was also time spent “conversing with the downtrodden peoples of the Earth, to incite them to rebel against the imperial powers”.

“You watched my documentaries on television” he announced to a crowd at Trafalgar Square, “little did you know you were watching your own swift and terrible death!” He was then lifted away by a giant boot.

The G7 have called an immediate emergency summit to discuss the news, with reports stating that Obama is calling for “swift and decisive action” to “crush these hippie upstarts before they get a public following”.

In a poll taken earlier today, it was revealed that 96% of Britons would much rather be ruled by Monty Python than by the current government.

John Cleese has dismissed reports that should they take control of the British Government he would establish a “Ministry of Silly Walks”.

“Of course I wouldn’t create such a ministry” he said in a video statement, “the only ministries I shall create are the Ministry of Pain, the Ministry of Propaganda, and the Ministry of Lumberjack Songs.”

The international police organisation, InterPol, are looking into the mysterious death of a parrot that occurred earlier this year “in hope that it may contain vital clues.”

IMMIGRATION LEVELS IN BRITAIN REACH A PEAK AS 98% OF POPULATION SAID TO BE POLISH

The Oracle has learnt today that immigration levels in Britain have reached their highest since people first arrived on the British Isles over 10,000 years ago, with the vast majority of the British people now Polish.

It has come to the attention of this esteemed newspaper that 98% of the British population is now Polish, and by god we are shocked.

Is this sort of immigration what we signed up for when our forefathers came in their droves from other countries to found this great nation? No sir!

The Oracle will not stand idly by while blue-collar slobs from other countries come and usurp our own brand of blue-collar slobs. It is time to take a stand against this rampant immigration and “modernisation” of our once great island nation.

The Oracle proposes that every man-jack in England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales takes up a spade and digs the isles 20 degrees further north, away from the pesky immigration routes of the so-called European “Union”. The only thing united about the EU is its united lackadaisical stand on immigration, what what.

We shall move to the North and rejoin the only people who can call themselves truly British – our Inuit brethren. “We welcome you, Inuit friends, to the new British Isles!” we shall call as we stomp on their fields and raid their homes, “Aren’t you lucky that we so vehemently oppose immigration that we were driven to invade you?”

So act now, readers of The Oracle, and save yourself from a life of Polish purgatory.

Read The Oracle; Buy A Spade; Save Your Soul

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GOES MAD, KILLS FOUR PEOPLE

Political correctness turned itself in after slaying four people in Trafalgar Square.

Doctors say that political correctness suffered extreme stress over its adult life, carrying over complex psychiatric problems from a troubled childhood that compounded into a severe psychopathic disorder.

“We really should have seen this coming” said Chief of Police Andrew Tarn, “bigots and homophobic people have warned us of political correctness’ state of mind for years. It’s our mistake that we didn’t act sooner.”

Self-proclaimed right-wing idiot Greg Adams spoke to The Oracle earlier: “I knew something was up with that political correctness character ever since I was arrested for mugging a gay man. All I did was beat up and take the money of a man who doesn’t like fannies and somehow I’m the one in jail! I sat in that cell thinking to myself: “it’s political correctness gone mad, it really is.” That’s why ever since I was released I’ve been trying to raise awareness of the dangers of political correctness gone mad.”

The British Medical Association is planning an in-depth study into political correctness’ troubled mind, with Channel 4’s ‘Dispatches’ programme already claiming television rights over a serialised documentary entitled “What Happens When Political Correctness Goes Mad”.

In light of the events, police have heeded warnings from middle-aged Nectar-card owners who have for years campaigned for awareness of the madness of political correctness’ best friend, Health and Safety.