TOM FROM DOWN THE PUB’S WORLD CUP BID IN CORRUPTION DISGRACE

The Times claims it has “millions of documents” proving Tom used bribes of up to three pints to sway judging panel.

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Part of Tom’s fucking massive garden – the proposed site for 2026.

Tom, 42, who you never really liked anyway because he was always a bit shifty when it came to his round, has been implicated in a corruption scandal surrounding his 2026 World Cup bid.

Allegations have been made just hours after Qatar’s bid for the 2022 competition has also been called into question.

The Times said today that it has amassed “millions of documents” that state explicitly that Tom was “definitely trying to get the 2026 bid by any means necessary.”

“Any means necessary”, the report went on to say, included bribes of up to three pints for FIFA Officials if they “would put in a good word down at the old HQ”.

Tom, who has a bit of a dodgy past with that girl from number four, claimed that he could easily host the 2026 World Cup as he’s “just had the patio done”.

He went on to describe in great detail the work and “man hours” put into the job, concluding that “it’s always best when you’ve done it yourself, though, isn’t it.”

He claimed that his garden was “well suited” for hosting the competition, as it “has two levels to it, right, and one of them is flat as anything so you could easily play a game on it. Crowd could sit on top level and look down, so long as they mind the hydrangeas.”

Local experts backed up Tom’s claim, attesting that they’ve seen his garden and “it’s fucking massive.”

However, regulars down at The Fox and Hound have raised concerns about the venture. Andy Mullet, the one with the weird eye, had this to say:

“Tom’s one of those that’s alright for a pint or two, but you wouldn’t want to spend much time with him. I relaid his kitchen tiles five or six years ago and he wouldn’t shut up about his bloody daughter and her dance exam. No, he’s not a suitable host. You’re best off having it down at old playing fields. They’ve got a pavilion that with a lick of paint could be a nice place to have a pint or two between games.”

The girl from number four was unavailable for comment.

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COVERAGE OF WINTER OLYMPICS “ABOUT AS EXCITING AS WATCHING YOUR GRAN EAT”

Viewing figures for ‘Come Dine With Me’ soar as viewers look for anything – anything – else to watch.

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Television Watchdog Ofcom has warned that the BBC’s coverage of the Winter Olympics may be “dangerously dull”, calling it “about as exciting as limp spaghetti”.

Already hundreds of complaints have been logged as viewers phone in to disparage the entertainment quality of watching someone mop an icy floor.

“I didn’t ask for this,” said one disgruntled viewer, “I didn’t expect to be ambushed by sport at this time in the year. Summer is for sport, that’s why they begin with the same letter.”

“With all the furor surrounding the gay rights campaign, I thought that the Sochi Olympics would be mildly interesting,” reads another complaint, “but I was wrong. We were all wrong.”

Many viewers are saying they now regret that Stephen Fry’s bid to boycott the Olympics didn’t succeed; not because they care about human rights, but because then at least they wouldn’t have to put up with this Winter Blunderland each time they flick on the television.

Many viewers are turning to extreme ways of avoiding the Olympic coverage, with some even turning to More 4 in the hope that they can lose themselves in a 4-hour long block of ‘Come Dine With Me’.

David Suchet’s career is experiencing a revival following his farewell from ITV’s ‘Poirot’, as the number of people watching old episodes of the drama on ITV3 has risen steeply since the games began.

“It’s only been four days,” bemoaned one heartbroken viewer, “how the hell can it have only been four days?”

While winter sports such as snowboarding and ski jumping are often lauded as “extreme” and “exciting”, it is clear that there is definitely such a thing as “too much of a good thing”.

Many forlorn lovers of anything that doesn’t involve skis have offered to swap houses with people living in the Somerset Levels, “just to get away from the telly for a while. Drowning would be preferable to seeing another snowboard.”

It is expected that levels of disgruntlement will only grow as the sports continue.