RUSSIA EUROVISION BOOING HAS “HIT PUTIN HARD”

Russian President may now consider ceasing all warmongering.

Sources have reported that Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, was “hit hard” by his country being booed at last night’s Eurovision semi-final qualifying contest.

The ex-head of the KGB was reportedly “shaken” by the booing and jeering that Russia’s act, the Tolmachevy Sisters, encountered when it was announced they were through to the final of the annual music contest.

Speculators say that the frosty reception was a direct result of Russia’s recent aggression in Ukraine, and Putin’s clampdown on gay rights that sparked controversy over the Sochi Winter Olympics.

Russia recently annexed Crimea, the semi-autonomous province south of Ukraine, and looks set to annex the eastern parts of the country that are showing separatist desires.

This has been in direct conflict with the West’s admonitions that such actions are “aggressive at best, war-mongering at worst”.

Putin has taken little notice of Western viewpoints so far, ignoring calls for equal rights for homosexuals, and continuing to encourage civil war in Ukraine.

However, it seems that last night’s Eurovision semi-final may have had a deeper effect on Putin’s conscience. Sources close to the President have said that: “When the crowds started booing the Tolmachevy Sisters, Putin’s face dropped into a deep frown.”

“He stood up and walked away from the television, and we could see him standing at the balcony overlooking Moscow. He seemed to be shaking and muttering to himself.”

“When he turned back around, it was clear to us all that he had been crying. The tear tracks on his face shone in the moonlight.”

“‘What have we become?’ he demanded of us. ‘What have we become, when we are booed at Eurovision? This is not what I became President for.’”

“He then sank down in his chair openly wept. All but his closest advisers were asked to leave.”

It has been speculated that last night’s booing at Eurovision may have convinced Vladimir Putin to stop all warmongering in Ukraine, and to focus more on winning back the Eurovision-loving people of Western and Eastern Europe.

“After all,” our source said, “what does have a man have, if he does not have Eurovision?”

BREAKING NEWS: PUTIN AND YANUKOVYCH ANNOUNCE HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP

Russia’s President Vladimir Putin and Ukraine’s President Viktor Yanukovych have announced they are entering a homosexual relationship with each other.

The news comes after the heads of state met during the opening ceremony for the Sochi Winter Olympics.

“At first we met merely to discuss the best ways to suppress our peoples,” said Putin in a statement earlier today, “but very soon it became clear that Viktor was not only passionate about brutal regimes.”

“At first I didn’t realise what Vladimir was trying to do when he suspended financial aid to my country,” added Yanukovych, “but now I see he was just playing hard-to-get.”

Putin’s infamous decree that forbids the discussion of homosexuality in front of children has been at the forefront of many debates surrounding the Winter Olympics, and it is unclear how this new relationship will affect the human rights issues in Russia. Yanukovych, however, is keen to see that Putin does not step down over the issue:

“I fell in love with an oppressive, brutal tyrant. I would not see that man change for all the caviar in all the stereotypes in all the world. I hope that Vladimir will continue to persecute people for being themselves, and that he will help me do the same in my own little country.”

Gossip magazines are already calling the couple Vlad and Vicky, and it is expected an engagement will soon be announced.

Homosexuality is gay

Vladimir Putin