RUSSIA EUROVISION BOOING HAS “HIT PUTIN HARD”

Russian President may now consider ceasing all warmongering.

Sources have reported that Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, was “hit hard” by his country being booed at last night’s Eurovision semi-final qualifying contest.

The ex-head of the KGB was reportedly “shaken” by the booing and jeering that Russia’s act, the Tolmachevy Sisters, encountered when it was announced they were through to the final of the annual music contest.

Speculators say that the frosty reception was a direct result of Russia’s recent aggression in Ukraine, and Putin’s clampdown on gay rights that sparked controversy over the Sochi Winter Olympics.

Russia recently annexed Crimea, the semi-autonomous province south of Ukraine, and looks set to annex the eastern parts of the country that are showing separatist desires.

This has been in direct conflict with the West’s admonitions that such actions are “aggressive at best, war-mongering at worst”.

Putin has taken little notice of Western viewpoints so far, ignoring calls for equal rights for homosexuals, and continuing to encourage civil war in Ukraine.

However, it seems that last night’s Eurovision semi-final may have had a deeper effect on Putin’s conscience. Sources close to the President have said that: “When the crowds started booing the Tolmachevy Sisters, Putin’s face dropped into a deep frown.”

“He stood up and walked away from the television, and we could see him standing at the balcony overlooking Moscow. He seemed to be shaking and muttering to himself.”

“When he turned back around, it was clear to us all that he had been crying. The tear tracks on his face shone in the moonlight.”

“‘What have we become?’ he demanded of us. ‘What have we become, when we are booed at Eurovision? This is not what I became President for.’”

“He then sank down in his chair openly wept. All but his closest advisers were asked to leave.”

It has been speculated that last night’s booing at Eurovision may have convinced Vladimir Putin to stop all warmongering in Ukraine, and to focus more on winning back the Eurovision-loving people of Western and Eastern Europe.

“After all,” our source said, “what does have a man have, if he does not have Eurovision?”

BREAKING NEWS: CAMERON AND HOLLANDE DIE IN TRAGIC GAME OF DARTS AT OXFORDSHIRE PUB

A state of emergency has been declared following a disastrous summit at an Oxfordshire pub, in which David Cameron and Francois Hollande were both struck down in a tragic game of darts.

The UK Prime Minister and French President were engaging in an informal summit at an Oxfordshire pub when they broke for a game of darts. Given the unfortunate lack of athletic ability in both leaders, it was perhaps a game bound to end in tragedy of some sort; and end in tragedy it did.

Although reports are still sketchy, sources say that Hollande was taking a run up to the dartboard when he tripped over a barstool and landed, face down, in a pint of bitter. The dart he had been holding flew into the air and landed, with some force, on David Cameron’s head – penetrating the skull and entering the brain. Meanwhile, the French President drowned in a light and hoppy beer.

By the time the bodyguards of the leaders had returned from an ill-timed cigarette break, both Cameron and Hollande had passed away. Witnesses of the accident say that they did attempt to remove the dart from Cameron’s head before the bodyguards came back, but were “afraid the blood might spurt out and stain our shirts”. As for Hollande, they claim they “thought he was just really enjoying his drink”.

Rumours are already circulating about whether this affair will lead to a state of war between the two countries, or whether the darts game will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records for “most diplomatically disastrous game of darts in modern history”.

Tragically, when Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was informed of the accident, he promptly dropped dead of a heart attack at the prospect of having some real power for once.