FARAGE JUST GOES RIGHT AHEAD AND PISSES ON AUDIENCE

UKIP Leader Nigel Farage urinates on BBC audience at election debate, kills puppy.

Last night’s Challengers Debate was brought to an abrupt end when Nigel Farage, leader of UKIP, whapped out his genitals and took a piss on the television audience.

Incensed at the red flags being waved by the lefty intelligentsia that filled the studio, Farage decided that only a good dose of common-sense poli-piss would dampen the flames of communism that were threatening to burn down this green and pleasant land.

“Even by BBC standards, you lot really are anarchist kiddie-killers”, whispered Farage as he slowly undid his flies in front of David Dimbleby’s face, before wrenching out his penis and soaking the lefty-liberal media stooges with his urine.

The other debaters – Ed Miliband, Nicola Sturgeon, Natalie Bennett, and Leanne Wood – watched in horror as Farage’s urine caused the Stalinist audience to burst into black flames and scream Billy Bragg songs in Polish.

Before long, the entire audience had been reduced to a smouldering pile of ash that, reforming itself into Aneurin Bevan, picked up Leanne Wood and marched her off stage to go kill the queen.

Farage then stared directly into the cameras as he raised a small albino puppy. “I’m coming for you, Juncker”, he sang in a falsetto, before crushing the puppy in one hand.

A snap poll taken at the end of the debate put Miliband and Farage neck-and-neck on a 32% approval rate.

OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE FINALLY GET A FUCKING BREAK

Millions of overweight people attempted a high-five of stomach flab today as news came that obesity is linked to a reduced likelihood of developing dementia.

Researchers welcomed the “surprising” results, celebrating “the overdue arrival of a reason not to be thin”.

“This is excellent news”, said lead researcher Dr Nawab Qizilbash, “We have finally been granted a reason to actively pursue a life of obesity. We can expect news of Gwyneth Paltrow’s implosion any day now”.

The study shows that overweight people are 18% less likely to develop dementia than underweight people – a group Dr Qizilbash suggests “seriously reconsider their lifestyle”.

“Not only do these underweight people spend their entire lives avoiding anything fun like eating thirteen entire Co-op Victoria Sponges in one lunch break, but now they won’t even be able to remember their self-righteousness as they age”, quoth the good doctor.

“They will be unable to bore their grandchildren with stories of celery and cardio, and will be left with a useless stick of a body with nothing inside. Not cake, not memories, not anything.”

However, doubts have already been cast on the research group following Mr Eric Pickles apparent loss of cognitive ability in an interview with Justin Webb on Friday morning. Mr Pickles, a walking clogged artery, seemed to have lost all grasp of his party’s policies, the nature of interviewing, and the basics of the English language as he struggled with questions regarding the Tory’s new ‘forced volunteer roaming death squads’ initiative.

“Perhaps obesity is not a magic fix for cognitive issues after all”, admitted Dr Qizilbash, “we’ll keep looking. In the meantime, I would still recommend eating copious quantities of cake. It feels good, and you might well be secretly curing yourself of testicular cancer. Who knows?”

LABOUR PLEDGES FACE-TO-FACE MEETINGS BETWEEN SCHOOLCHILDREN AND TRIDENT MISSILES

In a move welcomed across the party political spectrum, the Labour education manifesto includes a pledge designed to “remind teenagers of their inescapable mortality”.

With twenty-seven days until what many are predicting to be the closest-run General Election in a generation, Ed Miliband and Tristram Hunt have set out a series of controversial education policies in Labour’s Education Manifesto.

Among such crazy promises as the safeguarding of free school meals, the capping of class sizes at below 30, and an education budget that reflects inflation, Miliband and Hunt have pledged to give children aged 8 to 18 weekly face-to-face encounters with armed nuclear missiles.

The initiative has been broadly welcomed across the media, with The Daily Mail calling it “a much-needed wake-up call for today’s Generation Dole”.

“It is indicative of this country’s plunge into Communist anarchy that children no longer worry about the threat of nuclear war”, ran the Mail’s online editorial, “and Miliband’s long-overdue decision to inflict moral and emotional abuse on youngsters couldn’t have come at a better time.

This is not to say that we support the Labour Party, though. We are still lovingly entrenched in matrimony to the Consevatives. Look – here’s a picture of Ed choking the Easter Bunny in a kitchen the size of the International Space Station. Now buy some cheap CDs or fuck off.”

The face-to-face meetings have been designed to “remind teenagers of their inescapable mortality”, said a party insider -who also told The Oracle that it was a choice between teenagers staring at Trident or at a montage of Tony Blair’s ageing face (as to why Blair’s face was not called upon: “Trident was deemed to be marginally cheaper”).

THOUSANDS CHASE ‘TOP GEAR’ TEAM OUT OF ARGENTINA “JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE SHITS”

“It had nothing to do with the Falklands War,” one Argentinian told The Oracle, “Jeremy Clarkson et al. are simply maddeningly irksome.”

The crew and cast of the BBC motoring show, ‘Top Gear’, have had to stop filming their Argentinian special because they were hounded out of the country.

“Thousands” of Argentinians pursued the team to the border, tweeted Jeremy Clarkson, who also claimed that they were being “pelted with rocks”.

Initially, it was assumed that this aggression had to do with the numberplate of a Porsche Clarkson was driving. “H982 FKL” was thought to have angered Argentinians by referring to the Falklands War conflict of 1982.

However, members of the angry mob that chased the motorists out of the country say that they did it “simply because Clarkson, Hammond, and May are the most insufferable idiots on the face of the earth”.

“With every second they stayed here, they were staining our country’s reputation,” complained one man, “it was either chase them out of the country or bury them alive in a pit of snakes.”

The Oracle would like to advise any nation to follow Argentina’s fine example, and hound the ‘Top Gear’ team out of their country as soon as they arrive – if not sooner.

THE ORACLE WILL RETURN TOMORROW, 01/10/14

TOM FROM DOWN THE PUB’S WORLD CUP BID IN CORRUPTION DISGRACE

The Times claims it has “millions of documents” proving Tom used bribes of up to three pints to sway judging panel.

Part of Tom’s fucking massive garden – the proposed site for 2026.

Tom, 42, who you never really liked anyway because he was always a bit shifty when it came to his round, has been implicated in a corruption scandal surrounding his 2026 World Cup bid.

Allegations have been made just hours after Qatar’s bid for the 2022 competition has also been called into question.

The Times said today that it has amassed “millions of documents” that state explicitly that Tom was “definitely trying to get the 2026 bid by any means necessary.”

“Any means necessary”, the report went on to say, included bribes of up to three pints for FIFA Officials if they “would put in a good word down at the old HQ”.

Tom, who has a bit of a dodgy past with that girl from number four, claimed that he could easily host the 2026 World Cup as he’s “just had the patio done”.

He went on to describe in great detail the work and “man hours” put into the job, concluding that “it’s always best when you’ve done it yourself, though, isn’t it.”

He claimed that his garden was “well suited” for hosting the competition, as it “has two levels to it, right, and one of them is flat as anything so you could easily play a game on it. Crowd could sit on top level and look down, so long as they mind the hydrangeas.”

Local experts backed up Tom’s claim, attesting that they’ve seen his garden and “it’s fucking massive.”

However, regulars down at The Fox and Hound have raised concerns about the venture. Andy Mullet, the one with the weird eye, had this to say:

“Tom’s one of those that’s alright for a pint or two, but you wouldn’t want to spend much time with him. I relaid his kitchen tiles five or six years ago and he wouldn’t shut up about his bloody daughter and her dance exam. No, he’s not a suitable host. You’re best off having it down at old playing fields. They’ve got a pavilion that with a lick of paint could be a nice place to have a pint or two between games.”

The girl from number four was unavailable for comment.

NICK CLEGG: “WELL, SHIT”

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has responded to his party’s poor performance in Thursday’s local elections.

The Liberal Democrats lost 307 seats throughout the country, leaving the party with the lowest share of the national vote at 13% – behind UKIP’s 17% and well behind Labour’s 31%.

This is bad news for Nick Clegg, who soiled the name of “liberal democracy” when he entered into a coalition with David Cameron in 2010. Since then, he has been desperately trying to carve a name for his party as the second-most powerful political organisation in the country: these miserable results, however, show just the opposite.

Despite being Deputy Prime Minister and supposedly the second-most powerful man in Britain, Clegg has shown throughout all his years in office to have no control over policy in the UK. He has broken countless promises, including the only thing that encouraged young people to vote Lib Dem: that he would vote against raising tuition fees (see video here). He’s been humiliated by in-party squabbling, and even his token power play of getting a referendum on proportional representation was a damp squib.

His reaction to this further humiliation has been somewhat restrained, then, given his history in government. The Oracle spoke to Mr Clegg earlier today and asked him what his opinion of the results were:

“Shit, frankly. Complete and utter balls. I can’t believe that we’ve gone from being the second-least powerful party to the least powerful party. It’s a long way to fall from the top, sure; but in some ways, it’s even longer from just above the bottom.

I really thought that I could fuck the young voters and get away with it by simply apologising, but it seems I was wrong. Maybe I should try apologising through interpretive dance next time? Would that make them take me seriously? I’ll ask Dave if he’ll let me.

In many ways, I’m disappointed in my party for under-performing to the the extent that we basically don’t have a party anymore – but then, you can’t blame it all on the Lib Dems. We’re taking a kicking for the mistakes made by the government, and that’s unfair. Yes, I know we are the government, but it’s still unfair that we get justifiably low electoral results. What happened to corruption? I’ll ask Dave if he can bring it back.

No, I don’t plan to resign. I’m not a coward. And also, this could very easily be the last job I have. Would you employ someone who has been consistently proven to be a compulsive liar? Would you employ someone who has literally taken money from starving families? The only place that’d take me is the Conservative Party. I’ll ask Dave.”

PRINCE CHARLES: “NO, I SAID ‘PUDDING'”

Claims that Prince Charles likened Putin to Hitler earlier this week on a visit to Canada have been refuted by the heir to the throne, who claims that he “said ‘pudding’, not Putin”.

Prince Charles and an offending pudding

The claims come after a Polish war refugee who met Prince Charles in Nova Scotia said that in a conversation about Hitler’s takeover of countries in the 1930s, the Prince said “it’s not unlike what Putin’s doing”.

Marienne Ferguson, 78, left Poland in 1939 and now volunteers at the Nova Scotia Museum of Immigration. It was here that she and the prince had their now-infamous exchange of remarks.

“It was just a little comment,” she said later, “I didn’t think it would cause such an uproar.”

The uproar comes from the widely-held belief that the Prince of Wales, as an unelected official, should not get involved in international politics; be it with “little comments” or “nuclear weapons”. Such a transgression of this unwritten rule is fodder to those who would call for the monarchy to be abolished and an elected head of state to be set up in its place.

However, the Prince of Wales broke silence just hours ago to issue a corrective statement:

“I have come to learn that a conversation I had in Nova Scotia has become public knowledge. The conversation was centred on Hitler’s actions in the 1930s, in particular his all-consuming take-over of European states. At this point, I drew a comparison between Hitler’s swift occupation of countless countries, and the similarly swift infiltration of countries by pudding. I was referring, of course, to the terrific and total domination of the worldwide food industry by puddings, not – as Ms. Ferguson misheard – to Vladimir Putin’s actions in Ukraine.”

While the Prince’s correction does diffuse international tension between Charles and Putin – whom he is due to meet next month at D-Day Commemorations – it raises further significant questions about the relationship between the British Crown and the international pudding industry.

“Prince Charles has risked alienating many international pudding and dessert manufacturers with his controversial anti-pudding comment,” says BBC Royal Correspondent Peter Hunt, “which will no doubt have a negative effect on the British economy. Does the Prince include savoury puddings in his condemnation? If so, then where does this leave the Yorkshire Pudding? And for Mr Kipling, who is still suffering from the terrible allegations that many British railway bridges are made of cake behind him, the Prince of Wales’ comment can only further damage his company.”

BOKO HARAM SAYS: “OH, OKAY THEN”

Boko Haram has agreed to concede defeat after Twitter campaign #BringBackOurGirls is endorsed by celebrities worldwide.

 

 

Boko Haram, a fundamentalist Islam terror group who has plagued Nigeria with bombings and violence for years, was recently at the centre of a mass kidnapping of over 200 schoolgirls a month ago.

Since then, public support for international intervention has risen to a fever pitch, reaching levels of hashtagging unseen since the #Kony2012 campaign. The hashtag #BringBackOurGirls has been trending for over a week, and many high-ranking celebrities have joined the call for someone, anywhere, to do something remotely effective.

Such high-ranking supporters include Leona Lewis, Alexa Chung, Amy Poehler, and Cara Delevingne.

Presidential hopeful Hilary Clinton, First Lady Michelle Obama, and Prime Minister David Cameron have also joined the call for people in power to do something effective, with Cameron allegedly saying that “I might send Nick in with a gun, who knows.”

Such support has evidently hit the Boko Haram group hard, as today the leader Abubakar Shekau tweeted “Oh, okay then”, and proceeded to reveal the coordinates of his secret hideout.

“Thought I could withstand #bringbackourgirls, but seeing @LeonaLewis tweet it has hit me hard. You can have them” he later added.

It would seem that legions of people tweeting about a problem has solved it, instead of just filling up people’s Twitter feeds with half-hearted holier-than-thou hashtagging. Who would have thought it?

“I was afraid that PM David Cameron might do something effective,” continued Shekau in a later tweet, “but seeing him hold up a sign has struck fear more deeply than any military action.”

“We would not want to make Mr Cameron have to hold up more signs. That would be too much for us to bear.”

RUSSIA EUROVISION BOOING HAS “HIT PUTIN HARD”

Russian President may now consider ceasing all warmongering.

Sources have reported that Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, was “hit hard” by his country being booed at last night’s Eurovision semi-final qualifying contest.

The ex-head of the KGB was reportedly “shaken” by the booing and jeering that Russia’s act, the Tolmachevy Sisters, encountered when it was announced they were through to the final of the annual music contest.

Speculators say that the frosty reception was a direct result of Russia’s recent aggression in Ukraine, and Putin’s clampdown on gay rights that sparked controversy over the Sochi Winter Olympics.

Russia recently annexed Crimea, the semi-autonomous province south of Ukraine, and looks set to annex the eastern parts of the country that are showing separatist desires.

This has been in direct conflict with the West’s admonitions that such actions are “aggressive at best, war-mongering at worst”.

Putin has taken little notice of Western viewpoints so far, ignoring calls for equal rights for homosexuals, and continuing to encourage civil war in Ukraine.

However, it seems that last night’s Eurovision semi-final may have had a deeper effect on Putin’s conscience. Sources close to the President have said that: “When the crowds started booing the Tolmachevy Sisters, Putin’s face dropped into a deep frown.”

“He stood up and walked away from the television, and we could see him standing at the balcony overlooking Moscow. He seemed to be shaking and muttering to himself.”

“When he turned back around, it was clear to us all that he had been crying. The tear tracks on his face shone in the moonlight.”

“‘What have we become?’ he demanded of us. ‘What have we become, when we are booed at Eurovision? This is not what I became President for.’”

“He then sank down in his chair openly wept. All but his closest advisers were asked to leave.”

It has been speculated that last night’s booing at Eurovision may have convinced Vladimir Putin to stop all warmongering in Ukraine, and to focus more on winning back the Eurovision-loving people of Western and Eastern Europe.

“After all,” our source said, “what does have a man have, if he does not have Eurovision?”